


this is my pity party (pity party)

by rebelkbex (reyanehokkain)



Series: living out of time (eternal heatstroke) [1]
Category: Persona 5
Genre: Angst, Implied Akira/Makoto, M/M, Possibly OOC, but only because of her confidant route
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-11
Updated: 2019-01-11
Packaged: 2019-10-08 08:59:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,493
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17383586
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/reyanehokkain/pseuds/rebelkbex
Summary: Sometimes, it feels like swallowing fire-Ryuji is one hell of an actor, giving the people the idiot delinquent that they want, but that doesn't make any of this hurt any less.





	this is my pity party (pity party)

**Author's Note:**

> The discord is to blame for this and they absolutely know it. 
> 
> This is set in a universe based around my headcanon that Ryuji isn't the idiot that the game makes him out to be, but he's just playing the part that everyone expects of him.
> 
> And I'd like to thank Fall Out Boy for contributing to the problem by making Bishops Knife Trick a whole ass thing. The title comes from that song. Go listen to it while reading this and feel some hurt yo.
> 
> (there will be a part two, either in the form of a second chapter or just a whole new fic, I'm not sure)

Sometimes, it feels like swallowing fire.

 

He’s not dumb, not by a damn longshot. But thanks to Kamoshida and his reckless fist, everyone has him painted as some stupid delinquent.

He thinks that after this is all said and done, he could be one hell of an actor.

He’s already felt the burn of being typecast.

But god, it fucking hurts same days, listening to Makoto talk and piece things together and get all the praise for being a genius. He’s always had a unique interest in psychology and being laid up for days after _the incident_ , only let him pursue it further. He’s understood every single thing about the Metaverse since the beginning thanks to that, but he does idiot blond so well.

He sometimes wonders if they get deep enough into Mementos, could he gets his hands on Mona’s cognition and twist it enough so that he’ll stop mouthing off at him?

Another pipe dream to be filed along his perfectly completed, yet never turned in homework.

At times, he can feel Ann staring at him. It’s usually during study sessions, when he’s gotten too quiet, when he’s let the facade slip too much. She probably knows more than she tells, probably remembers middle-school Ryuji, who got good grades and was their teacher’s favorite, whose only mistake was being short of money at the aquarium.

That Ryuji died, he thinks, right along with all his stupid dreams.

But then there’s Akira.

Akira, who blew into his life like a hurricane, completely unrepentant for the mess that he could leave in his wake; who is so damned determined to help others and yet, can’t see that his best friend is living a lie right in front of him. Ryuji thinks that it’s almost hilarious that for all of Akira’s brains, both in the Metaverse and out, he still can’t see through Ryuji and pull the truth out like the distorted mess that it’s become.

He wonders how long that is going to take to bite him the ass.

He doesn’t have to wonder for long.

It’s like the universe is laughing at him, rubbing his failures in his face. He’s walking home from the library, yawning and trying to not wreck his glasses while rubbing at his eyes, when he sees them.

Akira and Makoto.

And god, do they look cozy. Despite the summer heat, Makoto has her arms around Akira’s neck, while his are holding on at her hips. If he got closer, he imagines that he would see happy smiles, maybe even hear laughter. Instead, he turns his head and closes his eyes and desperately pretends that he isn’t feeling his own heart crack.

The shortcut that he takes to avoid them adds 30 minutes to his walk and lies to himself a little more that he wasn’t crying, it was just allergies in July.

 

\--

 

After that, the facade totally drops. They save Futaba and Ryuji stops rising to Morgana’s bait. School starts back up and Ryuji finds the excuses to skip Mementos runs falling from his lips easier and easier. Eventually, they just stop asking him. It’s fine, he’ll never betray them, he’ll die before that, but he can’t help but wish that they put up a fight.

His grades improve.

Now that he’s no longer holding back, he goes straight for the throat. He swaps his contacts that never really worked right for his glasses, spends hours after school in the library, and studies relentlessly, even at home. He once joked with Akira about stealing back his future, but now that he’s actually doing it, it’s the only thing he sees in front of him.

It shows when midterms are posted.

He’s just so happens to be standing next to Akira and can hear Morgana making some snide comment from the bag, but he ignores him and starts scanning the board for his name.

And he finds it.

First row for his year, five down from the top.

The silence from Akira’s bag is absolutely golden.

He walks away without looking at Akira even once, without seeing the confusion and the worry on his face, without seeing his phone come out and his fingers flying over the keyboard.

He walks away and tries to pretend that the dread in his gut is simply an overabundance of joy.

 

\--

 

He keeps up with Mementos, at his own pace though.

He's learned which shadows he can and cannot fight by himself, written them down in the back of an old notebook, and tossed that in his closet. He checks it on occasion, when his wires are crossed from too much studying and not enough sleep.

He's also careful to go to Mementos when he know that the Phantom Thieves aren't there. While he'll take their secret to his grave, he doesn't want to be apart of that again. He's done being the dumb blonde delinquent of the group. If they desperately need one, he's sure Ann would jump to the occasion.

(And maybe he's being uncharitable with that, but Ann never once stood up for him with Mona and the rest of the group, so he's not sure he has much charity left in him at this rate.)

But the universe catches him once again and rubs his face in it.

He's just dispatched some Pixies, using them for easy target practice, when he turns around and sees his nightmares coming to life.

Joker is standing behind him, alone, watching him.

He thinks that laughter would be appropriate for how ridiculous this is.

But there is no laughing at this, all there is is silence and Joker staring at him, like he's just seeing him for the first time. It makes Ryuji feel like he's under a microscope and he hates it. It makes him want to shake Joker until words come out. But that means moving and he's sure that if he moves, he'll make a run for it. So maybe, it's better to stand here and see what his former Leader wants to say.

“Why did you lie to me?” Ryuji blinks. That isn’t the question that he expected.

“Excuse me?” He asks, confused.

“You lied to me. Why?” Joker takes a few steps closer, puts himself on the very edge of Ryuji’s personal space. Ryuji could probably reach out and touch him at this point, grab him by the arm and pull him in even closer, do all the things he thought about before he saw Akira and Makoto hanging off of each other in the middle of Central Street.

“About? Might need to narrow it down for me. Remember, I don’t have shit for brains.” Joker rolls his eyes and Ryuji realizes that he hit the nail on the head. “Wait, is this literally about me and my _act_?”

“It’s more about you treating yourself like shit, but sure, let’s go with that.” Now it’s Ryuji’s turn to roll his eyes. “What, am I not supposed to care when my best friend treats himself like a useless idiot?”

“And how do you know that it was an act?” Ryuji feels his patience wearing thin and his nerves fraying from standing in one place for too long. Mona may have pissed him off royally at the best of times, but he still took his warnings to heart about the Reaper.

“You told me, just now.” Ryuji narrows his eyes. “And Ann may have clued me in that something was going on.”

“Well, I’m not a thief anymore, so I don’t see why this matters.” Ryuji has to move, has to head for the exit, he swears that he hears chains rattling and he’s not about to stand around to find out. But Akira throws his hand out to catch him at the arm and holds him in place.

“Thief or not, you are still my best friend and I wish that you would talk to me.” At that, Ryuji gives a sad smile, feeling pity for Akira for not catching on to what Ryuji has known for months now.

“Yeah, well, you have Makoto. And there’s not room for both of us at the end of that rope.” The shock on Akira’s face isn’t what Ryuji wanted, but he takes advantage of it to break his free of Akira’s grip and dart down the tracks. The time away from thieving has given him the chance to get his body back without overdoing it. So even though Akira recovers quickly and comes chasing after him, yelling his name the whole time, Ryuji outpaces him easily and by the time Akira emerges from Mementos, huffing and borderline furious, Ryuji is gone.

All that’s left is a trio of new text messages on Akira’s phone from him.

 

 **runny boi [5:36 PM]** : I guess my problem is that I love you

 **runny boi [5:37 PM]** : and I wish that you loved me too

 **runny boi [5:38 PM]** : goodbye akira

**Author's Note:**

> come find me on tumblr at bishopsknifetriick or on twitter at twinskelletons


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